Just One Thing
Just One Thing
Get Your Mom's Voice Out of Your Head
For better or worse, your parents establish social and relationship expectations that become a long list of "should do's" in your subconscious. This week, Lisa and Brad explore this "voice in your head" and discuss the ways you can break free.
Ever felt burdened by the weight of expectations, especially those ingrained by our mothers? Dive headfirst into this riveting exploration as we, Brad and Lisa Stearns, guide you through the maze of societal and familial expectations, often colored by the lens of maternal teachings. We unmask the guilt, obligation, and emotional drain these expectations can unfold, challenging you to question their validity and choose whether to adhere or break away from these inherited norms, especially during the emotionally charged holiday season.
Ever noticed how the 'mom's voice' has subtly influenced your choices and steered your actions? We elevate this conversation to recognize this internalized voice, its evolution, and its undeniable impact on our lives. Through candid discussions, we stress on setting personal boundaries, making decisions that resonate with your well-being, even if they clash with the expectations of others. Remember, the journey to recognizing and managing this voice requires practice and unwavering commitment. Tune in and awaken to the influence your 'mom's voice' has on your thoughts and actions, and transform your life into a fulfilling and mindful journey.
Hello and welcome to Just One Thing. I'm Brad Stearns, here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier. Now settle in while we discuss Just One Thing. Good day and welcome to the next episode of.
Speaker 2:Just One Thing.
Speaker 1:Just One Thing is the podcast of MindfulLivingtoday. You can find us on Facebook at the Mindful Couple. We have a great supportive Facebook group. We'd love you to join Mindful Living Today with Lisa and Brad. We're also on Instagram as the Mindful Couple. Today, we're going to talk about Get your Moms Voice.
Speaker 2:Out Of your Head.
Speaker 1:The reason this came up is we had some experiences over the last couple of weeks with friends visiting us. We could definitely tell that when our son visited us, I think you had your mom in your head quite a bit. Why don't you elaborate on what led us down this path of Get your Moms Voice Out Of your Head?
Speaker 2:First I want to say this has nothing to do with whether you love your mom or not, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Whether your mom's a great person or not.
Speaker 2:This has nothing to do with any of that stuff.
Speaker 1:Your mom could be the wisest, kindest person on earth.
Speaker 2:The greatest mom ever on the planet, and that's completely fine. The reason we wanted to talk about this was and I'm going to use the example that just happened to us last night we had some friends over. They are right now. They're very, very busy and they were coming for dinner. I knew just because her mom's in her head that she could not show up with nothing.
Speaker 1:And we had to bring something into it A dish, a dessert, a wine, a gift, a something Because mom says you never show up empty handed.
Speaker 2:Don't ever go anywhere empty handed. And so when she asked what she could bring, I said look, I know you guys got a lot going on. Get your mom out of your head. And I'm telling you, it's okay for you to just show up, just you, and we were fine with that. But she still couldn't come in the door without saying I know you said it was okay.
Speaker 1:And I think she even said this is going to be really hard.
Speaker 2:Really uncomfortable, right. So I just I felt like and we both kind of felt like it was just a good thing to call attention to that voice in your head that's telling you you got to do something.
Speaker 1:You learn personal expectations. You learn societal expectations. You learn familial expectations, mainly from your mother. Very early on Whether you're a man or woman, because they're sort of in most cases they're the guardians of all these norms in the community and all that kind of stuff, and so there are things that sort of have evolved that maybe are not appropriate or not necessary anymore. That you know it's still I'll use the term yammer in your head, and if you don't do it, you're very uncomfortable, you feel guilty, you feel like a failure.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I was even saying this morning, I think that falls more on the wife than the husband and you made some comment about like I don't think that's true, so elaborate on that a little bit. Well, I think you would be like me as an individual.
Speaker 2:Specifically, you specifically don't have that much of a social gateway like that. I think you're kind of doing your own thing and you expect that it's okay.
Speaker 1:Right, you don't have those your mom's voice in your head about those kind of things and I think that's it's very unusual for me to just turn that off and not listen to it, you know, because you know, I think my mom and my dad had expectations. But I think very early on I just had a strong sense of like I ain't doing that, and so I didn't have the sense of guilt or obligation perhaps that many, many do, and I, you know, I think that's just something that I'm sort of innate with me and my personality type, I would agree with that I think we have that desire to accommodate, to comply, to please from either of your parents.
Speaker 1:That's really hard to walk away from. It makes you very, very, very difficult to do that, and I think one of the other things that we wanted to address that this morning is we're coming up on the holiday season and no time over the course of the year are these expectations from your mom's voice and your head stronger than holiday expectations, family expectations, entertaining expectations and even personal behavior expectations are so strong this time of the year.
Speaker 2:Yes, there's a lot of I'll call them rules. There's a lot of rules going on up there in your head that it's just so valuable, even though it's uncomfortable and we talk about that a lot, you know taking the time to pause and being okay with the discomfort. It's really hard, it is really hard, but it is so valuable.
Speaker 1:And like anything else we talk about this, it's not natural, it's just like let it go, or you can't do that so easily.
Speaker 1:It's a skill that can be developed slowly, more easily for some, more difficult for others. But it is a skill that you can develop. To say and it's like everything we talk about, it's mindful and it's having the choice and making the decision. You can listen to that. That voice can talk to you like you should always bring a bottle of wine when you visit somebody. But then you can decide well, is that really necessary? And if you can decide well, I like to do that. That makes me feel good, it makes me feel like a good guest, it makes me feel like I'm part of the community. I'm solidifying our relationships with that guest. That's fine.
Speaker 1:If you feel like it's an obligation, like God, I just can't really afford a bottle of wine right now. Well then, decide, okay, I'm not, and recognize the first time you defy your mom's voice in your head. It's going to be really uncomfortable, you know, because you're like oh, I'm just a bad person.
Speaker 1:And that's hard and it requires some practice and you know it's listening to. What are the emotions I'm feeling, where are they coming from, is it really necessary and what kind of self-regulation behavior can I do to sort of deal with those feelings?
Speaker 2:Is it some?
Speaker 1:deep breaths, is it like?
Speaker 2:Do I need to write in my journal?
Speaker 1:Do I need?
Speaker 2:to talk to somebody about it, like, yeah, there's just recognizing. Okay, this is uncomfortable. Now, what do I do with these uncomfortable feelings and what choice do I have? And I would say, in this particular kind of situation, recognize ahead of time, like with the, for example, with the holidays. The holidays are coming. I don't want to feel like I have to take a bottle of wine everywhere.
Speaker 1:I go for whatever reason. I'm going places three times a week, right times four weeks that's a lot of wine a lot of wine, a lot of money, maybe I can't afford it or whatever.
Speaker 2:So be prepared ahead of time with okay, what can I do? Right, what could I do? That would replace this need to bring a bottle of wine that then still gives me some feeling of joy or connection or whatever, but isn't a $25 bottle of wine.
Speaker 1:So have a prepared option instead of trying to decide when you're in that panic mode and one of the things that I wanted to address, even before we get away from it, is, you know, dealing with those difficult emotions when you're defying your mom's voice in your head. The work that goes into being able to deal with those emotions and perhaps change that voice in your head, or the ability to say not this time or not now you may decide. Well, that's too much work and that's too much discomfort. I'm just going to listen to this voice.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to continue to do it, even though there is some stress and some discomfort with having to buy all those bottle ones. The key thing, I think, is the choice Is the choice whether I want to work to sort of silence that voice in my head or to just comply. I'm just like, okay, I know this is stressing me to do this, but it's going to stress me more and it's going to take more work to try to overcome it. And that's the choice too. And there may be no clean answer that I can just ignore it with no consequences, and that's just. I think that's one of those things of life. Some of the things that you want to do to change, become to be more comfortable and better in the long term may not just be worth it, and that's up to you to decide, but what I would ask you to consider is constantly revisit and review those things because, they may become more burdensome with time.
Speaker 1:The effort of changing may be less than the burden of complying, and that requires constant awareness during your life. I think it was Socrates that said the unexamined life isn't worth living, and this is what I mean by an examined life. Look at those triggers, look at your mom's voice. What is the cost of that versus the cost of changing those behaviors? And you have to constantly review and evaluate that to sort of live your best life. And this mindfulness approach does lead you to your best life, where you're happiest, most satisfied over time.
Speaker 2:As you're talking, I'm reminded of a neighbor who has a lovely little boy that I absolutely adore, and it's why we're coming at from. This is you may be doing a should do a mom's voice in your head that actually may not be benefiting the person that you think you're benefiting.
Speaker 1:You're saying yes. So because if people bring me wine, I'm like I don't really want wine, I don't have any place to store it.
Speaker 2:Right, you don't know. So I have a neighbor, a little boy. Love when this little child comes over. We don't have grandchildren and my boys live far away so we don't even if we had grandchildren we wouldn't see them. But I love, love, love little kids and I would be happy to have this little boy come over and knock on my door every single day and visit with me for 15 minutes.
Speaker 1:Yes, like youthful enthusiasm, yes, yes and energy.
Speaker 2:Yes, and she will not let him come over because she thinks she's imposing on us and no matter what I say and how I say it I've said it to both of the mother and the father they can't get past that. He's going to be in a position, he is going to be a problem, and that's rude and whatever. And so now I have to go through the extra effort of signaling to him that it's okay for me to come over every single time.
Speaker 2:So, you know, we think this voice is the correct path, but it isn't always. It isn't always best for us, it isn't always best for those that we are. You know we are imposing this, whatever it is on, and so, once again, you know it is worth it just to stop and say well, wait a minute. You know where's the truth in this, where's the validity in this, where is the actual necessity in this? And what choice do I have?
Speaker 1:to have a different outcome Right, and so I wanted to talk a little bit, because this is a great example. It made me think of it. You know, you're, you're I'll just call it the burden of listening to the mom's voice in your head changes and it's contextual over time.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So, for example, you may have a mom's voice and you said like when the family does something, you show up and like okay, you do that at a certain stage in your life. That's easy to do, it's comfortable to you want to do that. But as the family sort of shifts and evolves over time, the relationships change, people move away.
Speaker 1:You've got grandchildren All of a sudden things may be uncomfortable, like you say, all of a sudden, you disagree politically Right, which can happen, you know, it has happened in this country over the last few years and it's not comfortable or feel or doesn't feel safe to do some of these family gatherings Right. Well, now, what was automatic and was not a problem and didn't cause you any grief, now that voice is saying oh, you need to show up for every family obligation. Now it's like, oh my god, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna not feel safe.
Speaker 1:Right, I'm gonna question everything I say and do. I'm gonna rehash this in my mind for the next 12 weeks and three weeks before, and maybe now the best choice is like not to go to this particular family gathering.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna get some feedback, that's not positive from my mom and my dad and my sisters and my brothers and etc.
Speaker 1:And now what is the burden of dealing with those kinds of things? But maybe for my own health situation has changed. The mom's voice is no longer valid for me and now it's worth the price of dealing with the discomfort, the feedback, etc. To work my way through being able to not always comply with that voice and the head that says show up. And you know you have to. And that's why I say you have to always be looking and examining at your life, making those choices, evaluating the cost of not listening to your mother's head. How can I, you know?
Speaker 2:get through the emotion of turmoil on that versus just complying automatically. Well, and it's interesting that you brought that up because I hadn't made that connection but I actually did that with my family. I went through this exact situation.
Speaker 1:It was really hard, it was traumatic.
Speaker 2:But leading up to that, when I went to visit with my family, I came home and I was sick for several days. I was physically like I had the flu and you revisited it and constantly rehashed it for weeks and weeks on end which had an impact on our relationship.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely absolutely, and so I know what that exact experience is like. I know that it is not easy to push back and say no, I'm not showing up, I'm not coming this time. I think the necessity you're going to feel it necessary to make excuses I'm not coming because I'm sick, I'm not coming because somebody has something else. But the reality is the best way to handle that is just say I can't, I'm not coming this time. This is not the not best way.
Speaker 2:I just can't do this right now and not make excuses, because somebody will find, they'll try to find a back door into why and like.
Speaker 1:If it's for something else in your schedule, they'll come up with a way to do that right and just like, just say I. Well, and this is Overall. This is part of setting boundaries, you know, with your mom's voice in your head, right, like I'm not doing that right now. It's your choice. There is going to be some ramifications, at least in the short term, perhaps longer term, and again, it's always weighing the choice. And what do I need to do for me now?
Speaker 2:And what's the best choice for now and what, generally, is your best choice for you? Now generally happens to be the best choice for you in the long run, you know if you're looking to be your best self. If you're looking to live your best life, definitely those kind of hard choices are a key step to that path.
Speaker 1:And I just want to reiterate before I go into my just one thing yes Again.
Speaker 2:None of this is easy.
Speaker 1:No, and it requires practice, and it's the commitment to the practice that's going to end up giving you a better life, a more joyful life, a more satisfactory life, and the first step may be just recognizing this. This is a voice.
Speaker 2:Looking, you know, looking over the next month to six weeks, eight weeks, whatever, Just be aware of do I have that voice in my head? Because a lot of people think they don't and they do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that was my. Just one thing is just recognize you know a lot of what you think you have to do that's causing you stress, grief, particularly this time of the year. Is your mom's voice in your head telling you this?
Speaker 2:is what. This is what good people do.
Speaker 1:This is what a manly man does. This is what a good wife does. This is what a good parent does A daughter yes. And question that and examine it. So is that right for me right now?
Speaker 2:Right and look at you know that may have been and I don't want to say that just throw away all social niceties because that is not it at all.
Speaker 2:I think those niceties are still necessary. But I think look at what works for you, what works in that situation, In the example of our friends coming over. I already told them it was fine, but you know, that voice was still really strong in in our friend's head to say I absolutely have to bring something. And she didn't show up with anything. So you know, that's a, that's a win with a huge win, a huge win. So what's your one thing?
Speaker 1:Well, it was just trying to try to take the attempt to recognize when you feel an obligation that's causing you some distress or discomfort, like where is that coming from? Is it my mom's voice? I'm like, oh my God, she's yammering at me all the time about my dad. Let's not put this all on. What is good, what is bad, what is expected.
Speaker 2:Right, and as long as I'm saying, dad, that could be a teacher, it could be a mentor, it could be a minister, it could be any any adult in your childhood, that that laid down some of those rules and I think, since you made that your one thing, I'm going to make it the one thing, knowing that you may have social obligations coming up. Prepare some kind of list so that you know okay, I normally take wine, let's just keep using that same example.
Speaker 2:I normally take wine. What could I do instead? What? What is it? Nothing, is it?
Speaker 1:do I have to make the choice in each individual circumstance it could be small steps, it could be or it could be this year.
Speaker 2:I'm just going to be aware that I'm feeling that when I get to that place, right, Okay, awesome. I think that's a worthy topic.
Speaker 1:Okay, mom, let's settle down here. So until next time. This has been just one thing,